The Ballad of Vlad

The Ballad of Vlad

Vlad,Vlad, he’s a very bad lad.
He wants what old Joe Stalin had
From Berlin out to Volgograd
An Empire like his dear old Dad
Grew up in back when Petrograd
Still went by the name of Stalingrad.
So, after the last Olympiad
He looked around and he got sad.
Ukraine was turning west, egad!
The Fleet was in danger. Vlad got mad.

In 1954, Ukraine
Got Crimea once again
Given away by that old pain,
Nikita Kruschev. Quite insane,
If you ask Vlad. He will explain
That what you have conquered should remain
Forevermore in your domain.
It went against his very grain
To watch Ukraine go down the drain.
The West would understand. It’s plain
As rain. He would invade Ukraine!

So he told his army, “Boys, I’ll see ya’
In two days time inside Crimea.
It won’t take long. It will just be a
Cakewalk. Crimea will be free. A
Couple days. No more, you’ll see. The
West will just have diarrhea.”
A couple days went by and he a-
-ttacked. And all the world could see a
Russian Premier such as he a-
-ssumed himself always to be: a
Star of a Tsar atop Crimea.

A day after Crimea fell,
The market tanked. The ruble, well,
Less said the better. Truth to tell,
Vlad’s whole economy went to hell.
And Europe, where he liked to sell
His oil and gaz au naturel
Decided that they could dispel
Vlad’s dreams of conquest and compel
Him back to Moscow, quick as hell
By pressure economical.

And so they told the Russian Bear
Hey, Vlad, bad lad, get out of there.
We don’t want your army where
It shouldn’t be. How could you dare
To gobble up more than your share
Of Europe. Sure, it isn’t fair
To circumscribe the countries where
The Russian bear may have his lair.
But, Vladimir. You’re not the heir
Of Papa Joe (who had more hair).
You’d best beware! Don’t linger there.

Now comes the question, will he do it
Or will he tell the West to screw it
And turn Crimea into suet?
It isn’t easy to intuit
His thoughts, his fears, his point of view. It
May be that he’ll come to rue it
If he persists. Perhaps he blew it.
He clearly doesn’t think that’s true. It
Seems that there there’s just one thing to it:
Vlad’s a mad cad, we always knew it.

And pretty soon we all will see
If Vlad will have his victory
Or if it is, as it may be
That, through his rude proclivity
To stretch the Empire, sea to sea
(Atlantic and Pacifically)
And from Ukraine, specifically
To gain again what used to be
The Motherland’s own property,
He’s started accidentally
What then would be his legacy,
The final conflict: World War III.

Too bad Vlad had the rad idea
To fuck us with a ruckus old Crimea.